Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
