I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
