UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
