Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
