Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
this will be a night to untag.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
