He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
