I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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