Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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