I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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