Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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