I wish I could teleport
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
