just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
