okay pat passed out under dana's car
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
