You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
