So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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