i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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