Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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