We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
