I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
If I die, sorry about rent.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
