Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
