the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
