tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
We smell like vodka and hangover
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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