Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It's blow job season.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
