90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
