in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
