i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
