I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He shit in the fireplace
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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