I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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