the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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