Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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