she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
