i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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