It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
