Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
