1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
