At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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