i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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