I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
