Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
