smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
