No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
