Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
