omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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