Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
