my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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