The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
