I wish my penis had an off switch
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
