i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
