i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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