I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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