I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
