Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
